Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is using federal funds to ensure discs depicting a flat Earth is in every classroom in the United States of America.
“We need to teach the controversy,” Ms. DeVos stated. “Students have the right to know every theory, not just the propaganda from the round earthers.”
The Education Secretary reassured her fiscally conservative constituents by stating the money funding flat earth discs is being taken from school lunch programs. Students will no longer be enjoying Taco Tuesday. Rather, they will be subjected to Mystery Meat Monday and Dry Wall Wednesday.
Flat Earthers are celebrating this win over logic and reason. Even some religiously minded round earthers are thinking this is a win for religious freedom. After all, doesn’t the Bible say the Earth is flat? Some bright eyed religious optimists are even hoping to roll back the germ theory of disease and bring back the demonic possession theory of illness.
Are real witch hunts (as against to what President Trump calls legitimate legal proceedings) far away?
Students are getting ready just in case they have to identify witches in schools who are poisoning wells, spoiling milk, and making fart noises during Algebra.
”Rachel Cohen is a Jew. That may not make her a witch, but it doesn’t help,” one anonymous seventh-grader said. “I’m hoping to see her third nipple that she uses to suckle her demon familiar during gym class. And then I’m putting it on Instagram.”
Betsy DeVos Moderates Flat Earth Roundtable